Tolkien musical
by Prieda Solo
Summary: This started off as the Elves song tune of Jets song from West Side Story and has expanded into any musical song I can force LOTR into. Updates will probably be sporadic, unless there's a mad rush of interest in it. Suggestions are welcomed.
1. Prologue

Disclamer: The tune comes from the movie of Chicago made in 2002. The movie is based on the Kander and Ebb Broadway musical, Chicago, which was based on the Maurine Watkins play. The characters are taken from J.R.R. Tolkiens Lord of the Rings. I am none of these people and, unlike these people, I do not make any money. 

Note: OK, this fic started with the elves song and expanded. This means they will all be written in the wrong order and lots of fiddling around will be required in order to sort them out, so it may be a bit confusing and wrongly ordered at times. Expect more songs as soon as I think of them. Unless you think they're crap in which case I'll stop.

Despite trying to keep to the rhythm structure and lyrics of the original song, due to lack of memory of the real words the speaking bits do not quite fit in (especially Bilbo's). Rated K+ for Isildur's dirty mouth, although Galadriels solo is more of a T. Massive, massive apologies to Celeborn and Haldir, but what could I do?

Excuse the double spacing. That is to stop all the lines appearing on one row. The -...- bits are the music, which comes in to give you a sense of where they are in the monologues. The occasional (…) is my thoughts and not part of the song. Sorry if it comes out a bit crap, I know what it means :)

And now the last alliance of men and elves, the murderers of Lord Sauron in thier rendition of...cell block tango:

Elrond: Power

Witch King: Twenty

Gil-Galad: Squish

Bilbo: Uh-oh

Galadriel: Mordor

Isildur: Bullcrap

Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.

-duh DOOH duh-

Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.

All: He had it coming, he had it coming.

He only had himself to blame

If you'd a been there

If you'd a seen it

Isildur; I betcha you would have done the same

Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.

He had it coming

Elrond: You know how people have these little habits that really annoy you?

Like Sauron. Sauron used to make rings

But not just any rings

-BamBAM-

Rings of power!

So I'm holding a council for the free peoples, and I'm feeling really irritated, and in comes Isildur with news that Sauron is sitting in Mordor, making rings.

Not just rings, rings of Power

-BamBAM-

And we said to him, don't you try using those rings for evil…

And he did, so we sent some armies into Mordor, to give him a friendly warning.

Killed half his army…

All: He had it coming, he had it coming.

He only had himself to blame

If you'd a been there

If you'd a heard it

I betcha you would have done the same

Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.

He had it coming

Witch King: I met Lord Sauron from Mordor about halfway through the second age.

He said he had a special ring of power for me, and we hit it off right away

We started fighting together, I'd lead his armies, and together we crushed the world of middle earth between a vice.

Then I found out…special ring, he told me, special my ass!'

-BamBAM-

No only did he have one himself, oh no, he had twenty.

One of those evil overloads y'know.

But what could I do, we'd still go out, fight together, and no one could stop us.

Hey, where did all those elves come from?

All: he had it coming

He had it coming

He took the power of his time

And then he used it

And he abused it

It was a murder, but not a crime.

Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap. Power…twenty…squish…uh-oh…mordor…bullcrap.

Gil-Galad: Now I'm standing on the plains of Mordor,

Carrying a giant two-handed spear,

Minding my own business,

When in storm this horde of 30 bloodlust filled orks screaming 'You shall not defeat Lord Sauron.'

-BamBAM-

They were crazy!

And they kept screaming 'You shall not defeat Lord Sauron!'

-BamBAM-

Then they ran into my spear.

All thirty of them ran into my double-handed spear.

-impressive drum roll-

All: If you'd a been there

If you'd a seen it

I betcha you would have done the same.

-Suddenly, Russian ballet music begins to play. A large white spotlight appears in the middle of the stage. It remains empty for a bit, until Galadriel gives Bilbo a shove and he stumbles into it-

Bilbo: What am I doing here?

Isildur: What is he doing here? He's not part of the Alliance.

Witch-King: What _is_ it?

Gil-Galad: Is it someone's idea of a joke?

Bilbo: I don't want any adventures!

Galadriel: Shut up, you're in the prologue whether you like it or not. Now sing something.

Gil-Galad: This song is only for those who fought bravely. Have you ever fought, Master Hobbit, or killed?

Bilbo: Well, I fought Gollum once…

Isildur: Yeah, but didya kill him?

Bilbo: Uh-Uh.

Not…Guilty.

All (softly); He had it coming…

-The music fades, the spotlight goes out-

Galadriel: Gil-Galad and I used to wonder around Mordor killing off orks,

And my husband Celeborn used to stay behind in Lothlorien.

Me and 'Galad fought as a team, one, two, three, block, weave, duck, full sword thrust, we were amazing.

Now this on night we're having a council on the eve of battle

Discussing tactics, battles, armies

And we realise we've run out of troops

So I go to Lothlorien to get some more.

And when I get there I see Celeborn and Haldir lying on the couch doing number seventeen

-Drum roll-

Full sword thrust!

(Aaaaargh I deserve to get run over by a cartload of nuns for even thinking that line!)

Well I was in such a state of shock I completely blacked out, and I think I threw up too

It wasn't until later…when Elrond sent me a message by telepathy, I even knew Sauron was dead!

He had it coming

He had it coming

He had it coming all along

I didn't do it

But if I'd done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong.

-lots of counterpoint follows, which can't really be transcribed. Its darn exciting anyway-

Isildur: I hated Sauron more than I could say.

He was an nasty scheming type…evil

He was always worried about protecting himself.

He'd send out armies everyday trying to protect his borders, and on the way he conquered Osgilliath, Harad, Rohen, and Gondor.

I guess you could say we argued because of tactical differences

He saw his armies alive

And I saw them dead….

All: He had it coming

He had it coming

He had it coming all along

Cuz he's the baddy

And we're the goodies

How can you tell us that we were wrong!

-BAM BAM-

He had it coming

He had it coming

He had it coming all along

Cuz he's the baddy

And we're the goodies

How can you tell us that we were wrong!

You use those ring for evil…Special ring my ass…30 bloodlust filled orks…fought Gollum once…full sword thrust…tactical differences.

Elrond: Power

Witch King: Twenty

Gil-Galad: Squish

Bilbo: Uh-oh

Galadriel: Mordor

Isildur: Bullcrap

-Drumroll-


	2. Eowyn

Disclaimer: The Sound of Music is the intellectual property of Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. Eowyn is the property of J.R.R.Tolkien. I own nothing, basically. 

Notes: OK, this song is meant to be sung by Eowyn as she is standing looking out from Edoras and seeing the destruction of Rohan. It is not quite as light-hearted as the other songs, and it is also shorter. I dedicate it to my reviewers. All three of them…

I'm sure its wrong that the first thing I think of when I hear this tune is Ewan McGregor :)

Eowyn's song

The hills are alive

With the sound of screaming

I sound they have heard

For a thousand years.

It tugs at my heart

All the sounds of screaming.

My heart wants to die every time

It hears.

And I want to take up my sword and defend my land, and to set people free.

To lead all our troops into battle now, every time that I see,

The westfold on fire and the smoke flow high, burning crops on its way.

To kill Uruk-Hai. Then come back, come back home, save the day!

I go to the hills,

And my heart feels heavy.

I know I will hear

What I've heart before.

But some day we'll fight.

And then they'll be screaming.

And we'll have peace…once…more.


	3. Elves Song

Disclamer: Elves are the intellectual property of...well...everyone really. But these elves are Tolkiens. The Jet's song from West Side Story is the property of Arthur Laurents (book), Leonard Bernstein (music), and Stephen Sondheim (lyrics). I am not any of these people and therefore do not own anything. Nor do I make any money. 

Note: The first LOTR musical song I wrote. It is meant to be sung by Haldir and Legolas, when Haldir comes to Helms Deep (could this get any more non-canon?). It is missing a verse because I ran out of ideas but other than that follows the overall stucture of the Jets Song from West Side Story. Rated for use of the word 'buggin'.' Sad, I know.

Lines now sorted!

The Elves Song

When you're an elf, you're an elf all the way

From your first little bow to your last dying day.

When you're an elf and when evil attack,

You've got armies around that will help you fight back.

You're never alone

You're never disconnected.

You're home with your own,

When companies expected, you're well protected!

Then you are set with a capital E

Which you'll never forget till you're over the sea.

When you're an elf…you…stay…an…elf!

When you're an elf you're a species ahead

Cuz you'll still be around when the rest are all dead.

When you're an elf you're the swingiest thing

With a bow, with a song, with a shiny gold ring.

The elves are in gear,

Our arrows shooting high

You better stay clear

Cuz every Uruk-Hai

Is going to die!

Here come the elves with our banners unfurled

Gonna kill every ork

In the whole buggin' world

In the whole…buggin'…ever…lovin'…world!


	4. Tonight

Disclaimer: The Jet's song from West Side Story is the property of Arthur Laurents (book), Leonard Bernstein (music), and Stephen Sondheim (lyrics). All characters are the property of J.R.R Tolkien. 

Notes: Chapter two of Jumior is progressing. My chemistry homework is not. But this little plot bunny was sitting on my pillow this morning looking so cute and hopeful, I had to get it down.

This is sung right before the battle of Helm's Deep. Frodo has just been captured by Faramir (movie verse-remember?) and Merry and Pippin are at Treebeard's…house. I wanted to have Treebeard sing something, but the pace was too fast for him. Sung to the tune of Tonight from West Side Story, not the love-story one, the one they sing just before the Interval.

Théoden: Rohan's gonna have its day, Tonight.

Sauramon: Sauramon will have his way, Tonight.

They think that they are safe in, Helm's Deep

But once we've blown the wall up, they're stuck in the Keep.

We've gonna hand them a surprise, Tonight.

We're gonna cut them down to size tonight.

Grima: Men of Rohen dying, sounds fine.

And once she's finished crying, Eowyn is mine. Tonight.

All: We're gonna rock it tonight,

We're gonna jazz it up and have us a ball!

They're gonna get it tonight;

The more they turn it on the harder they'll fall!

Théoden: Well they began it!

Sauramon: Well they began it!

And now we will defeat them once and for all.

Tonight

Merry and Pippin: We're keeping well out of the mix, tonight.

We're gonna get a little 'fix' tonight

You can't get drunk on Ent-draft

So, what

We'll still be smoking pipeweed

Sober or not

Tonight!

Faramir: Tonight, tonight. I take the ring tonight. And show my father what I am worth.

Tonight, tonight, the futures looking bright, even though, Boromir's, in the earth

Frodo: Today. The ring is such a burden

And Faramir's turned evil

I'm sure that that's not right.

P.J, be kind

And make him change his mind

Before the fight. Tonight.

Gimli: I'm gonna hurt some elven pride, tonight

I'm cutting Leggy down to size, tonight.

Arrows from a distance, kill more.

But once we're really fighting, I'll even the score.

--Now the Uruk's and the Men of Rohen sing together--

Uruk's: We're gonna rock it tonight!

They're gonna get it tonight,

They began it, They began it, They began it.

We'll stop 'em once and for all.

Sauramon will have his way, Sauramon will have his day

We're gonna rock it tonight

Tonight!

Men of Rohen: We're gonna jazz it tonight!

Tonight!

They began it,

And we're the ones to stop 'em once and for all!

Rohen's gonna have it's way, Rohen's gonna have it's day

We're gonna rock it tonight. Tonight!

--While at the same time Sam and Frodo are singing--

Sam: Tonight, tonight I'm worried 'bout tonight. If Faramir remains OOC.

Sam: Tonight, tonight, there's not much I can do. I can't fight, twenty men, not just me!

Frodo: Today. The ring is such a burden

And Faramir's turned evil

I'm sure that that's not right.

P.J, be kind

And make him change his mind

Before the fight.

All: Tonight!


	5. One Day More

Disclaimer: The musical belongs to Claude-Michel Schonberg (composer) Alain Boublil (librettist) Cameron Mackintosh (English producer) and Herbert Kretzmer (English lyrics). The characters and situations belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. I really own nothing, and I make no money. 

Notes: I wasn't sure about doing a Les Mis LOTR song as I've read a couple and didn't want to subconsciously plagiarise. But Les Mis is my top favourite musical and I couldn't really resist. So, this is set about half-way through the third film, when Rohen is getting ready to ride to Gondor, Aragorn is preparing to leave for the road under the mountains, Gandalf and Pippin are in Gondor and Frodo is just, generally, y'know, walking to Mordor.

One Day More

**Frodo:** One day more.

Though all the days are blurring into one

This never ending road I walk upon

The ring must be destroyed I know

They should have done it long ago

One day more..

**Eowyn** I did not live until he came

How will I live when we are parted.

**Frodo**: One day more

**Eowyn**: Tomorrow he'll be worlds away.

And yet with him my world has started.

One day more I'm on my own.

**Aragorn/Arwen**: Will we ever meet again

**Eowyn**: One more day with him not caring

**Aragorn/Arwen**: I was born to be with you.

**Eowyn:** I will take my fathers sword

**Aragorn/Arwen**: And I swear I will be true

**Eowyn**: I will ride to meet him there.

**Theodin:** One more day before the storm

**Aragorn:** Do I take the Dimholt road?

**Theodin:** When we fight for Gondor's freedom.

**Aragorn**: Do I join my brothers there?

**Theodin**: As our ranks begin to swell

**Aragorn**: Do I stay or do I dare.

**Theodin:** Will you take your place with me.

**Rohen soldiers**: The time is now, the day is here.

**Frodo:** One day more.

**Gothmog (the ork with a face like a diseased pig):** One more day before the battle

One more day before we fight

We will meet their men at Gondor

We'll destroy the force of light!

**Orks:** Kick 'em when they're down

Stab 'em as they fall

Never know your luck when there's a free for all

Here a little stab

Here a little cut

Most of them are goners so they won't miss much.

**Gandalf:** One day to a new beginning.

**Men of Gondor**: Raise the flag of Gondor high.

**Gandalf**: Aragorn will be the King

**Men of Gondor**: The Returning of the King

**Gandalf**: There's a new world for the winning

**Men of Gondor:** There's a new world to be won.

Do you hear the people sing!

**Eowyn**: My place, is here, I fight, with you.

**Frodo:** One day More!

_(Now it starts to overlap a little. If you listen to the music you should be able to follow it. If not, just sort of hum everyone's individual tune.)_

**Aragorn/Arwen:** I did not live till I met you

**Eowyn**: One more day I'm on my own.

**Aragorn/Arwen:** How can I live now we are parted

**Gollum:** We will join these people's heroes

We will follow where they goes

We will learn their little Secrets,

We will know the things they knows

**Frodo**: One day more!

**Eowyn**: Tomorrow he'll be worlds away

**Arwen/Aragorn**: What a life we might have known.

**Eowyn**: And yet with him, my world it started.

**Gothmog** (_singing at the same time as the orks, below_) One more day before the battle

One more day before we fight

We will meet their men at Gondor

We'll destroy the force of light!

**Orks:** Kick 'em when they're down

Stab 'em as they fall

Never know your luck when there's a free for all

Here a little stab

Here a little cut

Most of them are goners so they won't miss much.

**Gandalf:** Tomorrow is not far away

Tomorrow is the judgement day

**All:** Tomorrow we'll discover what the future has in store.

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!

------

What _the future_ has in store? Excuse me? yeah, sorry. i tried for ages on that line. Couldn't get it right. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this. I only update this when I have ideas and this idea occured when I was wlking to Chemistry.


	6. Everything’s up to date in Minas Tirith

Disclaimer: The song 'Everything's up to date in Kansas City' from Oklahoma! is the property of composer Richard Rodgers and lyricist/librettist Oscar Hammerstein II. The characters and situations belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. No copy write infringement is intended. 

Notes: Just a quick little thing that I love because a) it is all one line, with nobody singing at the same time as anyone else and b) I hardly had to change any of the lyrics. Set near the middle of film three when Merry's recovering in the houses of healing and Pippin comes along to visit him and tell him what Minas Tirith is like. (It didn't actually happen in the film but probably did at some point.)

I can just see the changes of expression in Pip's little face while he's singing this ;)

Everything's up to date in Minas Tirith

I got to Minas Tirith on a Frid'y

By Saturday I learned a thing or two

For up to then I didn't have an id'y

Of what the modern world was coming to!

I counted twenty horses walking round the town

Almost every time I took a walk.

And there were lots of meetings of the finest lords on earth,

Where only Denathor was allowed to talk.

What next?

Everything's up to date in Minas Tirith

They've gone about as far as they can go!

They went and built a city that's seven levels high,

About as high as a city orta grow.

Everything's like a dream in Minas Tirith,

It's better than a magic firework show!

You can go collect some food from stores whenever you want to eat

With every kind of comfort every house is all complete.

They've even got a rat catcher who lives right in the street!

They've gone about as far as they can go,

(Yes sir!)

They've gone about as far as they can go!

Everything's up to date in Minas Tirith

They've gone about as far as they can go!

They got a big theatre they call a dancing house.

Where Faramir said his brother used to go.

One of the girls was fat and pink and pretty,

As round above as she was round below.

I could swear that she was padded from her shoulder to her heel,

But later in the second act when she began to peel

She proved that everything she had was absolutely real!

She went about as far as she could go,

(Yes sir!)

She went about as far as she could go!

-  
Frid'y-Friday

Id'y-idea.

Theatre-(pronounce)theATEer

With a strong…Oklahoman?…accent. Because otherwise the rhyme doesn't work.

Wo0t for the rat catcher!


	7. The Power of the Ring

Disclaimer: The tune and lyrics of 'Music of the Night' are copyright to Andrew Lloyd Weber and possibly Tim Rice as well. The characters of Frodo and the Ring belong to J.R.R Tolkien. I make no money from this, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: Yay, finally a Lloyd Weber. The ring when it first talks to Frodo, to the tune of Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera.

The Power of the Ring

Evil sharpens, heightens each sensation  
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination  
Silently the senses abandon their defenses

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour  
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender  
Turn your face tonight from the forces of the light  
Turn your thoughts away from all the songs they sing  
And think about the power of the ring

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams  
Purge your thoughts of the light you knew before  
Close your eyes, I can give you so much more  
So you'll live as you've never lived before

Softly, deftly, power will caress you  
Hear it, feel it, secretly posess you  
Open up your mind,  
Let your fantasies unwind  
In this darkness which will give you anything  
The darkness of the power of the ring.

Let your mind start a journey to an world of war  
Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before  
Let the power take you where you long to be!  
Only then can you belong to me.

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication  
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation  
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in  
To the promise of the power that I bring  
The promise of the power of the ring!

-----

Hmm. A couple of dodgy lines in there (in this darkness which will give you anything-meh) but otherwise not too bad. I know lots of people were asking for a Lloyd Weber, and it's the tunes most people know about.


End file.
